I’m going to keep this blog a little lighter, hopefully less emotional and I have no intention of mentioning death at this stage, but where we end up is anyone’s guess. If this was in any way edited I would promise to cut it out at the edit, but then it wouldn’t still have the stream of consciousness vibe to it, would it. (Stop waffling –editor).
A few years ago, Flash and The girl etc etc had spent Christmas with their Father and were returning on Boxing Day. The Dancing Queen decreed that we should make the house look like a welcoming Christmas grotto full of wonder, and candles. I don’t like candles, I’ve never liked candles, they always smell synthetic and quite frankly, you might as well burn money.
But The Dancing Queen had issued the decree, so candles it was.
When she went to collect the children, I set to work. After another turkey sandwich and a mince pie or two. Ok, I calculated that it would take an hour for them to return so I sprinted around the house with a few tea lights after 50 minutes.
They returned to Santa’s grotto and we commenced the annual “See How Much Wrapping Paper Mungo could eat” festivity.
The kids were thrilled with their haul of presents and took them to their respective rooms to inspect more closely. The Dancing Queen popped to take the neighbour a mince pie.
There followed a series of events which, to this day, make me shudder and might give you an insight into the family life of a neuropathically abnormal family.
As I walked up the stairs I caught a glimpse of Flash flying through the air re-enacting a dive he had seen on Match of the Day – perfectly normal – he landed on the side of his brand new wooden bed which then disintegrated.
Whilst I was enquiring as to his health, I suggested he popped downstairs to watch some tv. He didn’t argue.
After 10 minutes staring at the broken bed and realising it wasn’t going to repair itself, I too went downstairs.
As I entered the living room, Flash was dutifully watching the tv. However, I couldn’t help but notice the flames from a tea light going up the wall on to the tinsel. When I calmly asked Flash why he hadn’t seen fit to mention the flames, he pointed out that he had been told to watch the tv and keep to himself for a bit.
I blew the candle out, except it wasn’t a candle, it was a tealight, so the liquid went up the side of the holder, against the wall. And onto my face.
I think I might have cursed, mildly, at this stage.
As I dashed to the bathroom, Flash pointed out the hazards of tealights.
In the bathroom, I doused myself with water and held a damp flannel to my face, whilst biting on a rubber duck to try and stop expletives being shouted.
There was a rather urgent knocking on the door, it was The Girl etc etc:
“In a minute”
“One second my love, I’m a little busy”
“Yes, The Girl, etc etc”
“Well, you know that new blind you put up in my bedroom”
“I do, isn’t it lovely”
“Not any more, I pulled it too hard and it fell off it’s runner and has fallen out of the window”.
This series of events lasted 7 minutes.
The Dancing Queen returned from our neighbour.
The bed was replaced, the blind was replaced. All returned to normal.
So, there you go, no death, just a mild singeing and an insight into an autistic household.
Just the same as having “normal” kids, but different.